I Am the Photo, The Photo is I
My work is my sanity, my way of validating my existence and my way of creating truth. We are presented with truths about who we are and how we ought to look, act, and feel, but when we cannot see ourselves in what is available to us we are left to either try to conform to what is offered or create ourselves and our truths. Though Post Modernism states that there is no original and that everything we are is a result of different things influencing us, why do some of us still feel like we need to create something “new” when according to that movement “new” does not exist?
I think it all depends on time. It’s a matter of time and perhaps chance, until we come across ourselves. If our timing is right then our search ends and then another begins. We are constantly in search of something. So what happens when we cannot find ourselves? We all have different ways of dealing with this, but my answer is art. Art allows for the creation of self and can provide the answers and truths that we need. I couldn’t relate to painting and drawing as representations of me, because they are deemed pure creations of the mind and hand. This is why I needed photography as a means of representation. For years the validity of photography as a means of proof, evidence, and truth has been debated, but it is exactly that aspect that attracted me to it. I feel that I exist in a state of ambiguity and photography is there with me. People do not know if what we say is true, but they can only assume it is since it comes from the source, the source being my mouth or the camera’s lens. Arguably, we cannot take everything that we are told as truth the same way that we cannot fully trust that seeing is believing. The things we see are created and come from somewhere. Where the true origin of it is, no one can tell for sure, but one can certainly try and trace it to understand it more.
On these grounds came my biggest body of work to date that I have tentatively called What We Have is Not What We Are. It is a series of black and white photos that depict biologically female subjects in what is socially deemed as male clothing. The subjects are then placed in stereotypically masculine poses and environments. The photos are black and white so that the focus is on the subjects themselves and the personas they portray rather than potentially distracting the viewer with colors, because it brings another level of interpretation into play since it is often gendered. The ethnicities of the subjects vary as well as their size, shape, height, etc., but they are all female. Many of the subjects begin to take on an androgynous look in which the viewer begins to find difficulty identifying who or even what the subjects are. This uncertainty brings up questions about who we are, how we think, and how so much of how we understand ourselves and our surroundings are constructed. What We Have Is Not What We Are is a deconstruction through my own construction of images.
I often felt left out even victimized for how I chose to present myself. For a long time I did not see myself represented. I could not see myself in the available depictions of women found in mainstream media. This series was my way of representing myself and validating my existence. It is important that this series was a series of photos and not drawings or paintings. Generally, drawings and paintings are seen as being inspired by something or an abstraction of sorts, but photos have a notion of real life truth attached to them. Through the creation of this series of photos, I have created reality. Their validity can be debated, but their existence as photos cannot. Their content, what they represent, and what they mean can be debated and questioned, but their physical existence and concrete materiality as photos cannot. During the creation of this series, I was able to relate it to how I view my being.
I am the photo, my body is the physical being that cannot be denied existence, but what I represent, my appearance is the content of the photo, the intangible part that is up for interpretation. The irony of this is that even though I exist like the physical photo, my existence is not validated and does not become truth until I am in the photo and see myself in it. Once I am in the photo there is proof of my existence. This does not necessarily mean that I, myself, need to be in the actual photo to be able to see who I am and what I represent. In fact, most of the clothing that the women in the photos were wearing belongs to me. This alone complicates the series because now it can be seen as a series of self-portraits. But, this also brings up questions about the self and means that the self does not necessarily reside in just the individual. These subjects represent me and others like me. If this is the case, then what does it mean to be me?
This is what intrigues me about photography and why I gravitate towards it. Questioning is more powerful than answers. Photography and art bring up questions, which then push us to find answers. Contrary to popular belief, answers are not ends, answers are jump off points in which one decides where to go next. It is the search for answers that matter most in understanding, because one needs to understand how one got to where they are now. One needs to justify where they stand, because an answer is always up for questioning. My interest in photography and art was the consequence of my search for answers, but once I found answers I found even more questions. I used to fear not knowing the answer and not finding my truth, but now I know I can create it.
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Allison Santos
Winter 08